The Bhagavad Gita for dummies

Obviously, once you're a yoga teacher people will expect you to be deeply spiritual, and you won't want to admit to them that you watch Jersey Shore and eat crisps on your way to teach a class. One sure fire way to ensure that your students bask in the glow of your deep connection to the traditions of yoga is to read the Bhagavad Gita, but if you don't have time to read it (damn that new craft beer pop-up!), here it is, digested.

It is days of yore. There's a warrior named Arjuna who is also a Lululemon ambassador on account of his being so nice looking and-most importantly- flexible, and  one day he's sitting by the banks  of the Ganges, rinsing his Kung Fu pants, when his homeboy, Krishna, whizzes up to him on a Segway.

"Dude," says Krishna. "Why the long face?"

See, Arjuna’s really stressed out because he’s missed loads of Kundalini classes and he also has a hangover. And to top it all off, he has to lead an army into battle the next day against a fearsome army of Ashtangis who’ve been forced to do Mysore practice with no coffee.

Arjuna says to Krishna, “bro, you seem pretty wise. I mean, you have a tattoo of the Buddha on your shoulder, and he hasn’t even been born yet. So tell me, how am I going to win this battle?”

And Krishna replies “you just have to make sure that your soldiers have chia seed in their bellies and plenty of Kombucha to slake their thirst. Because everyone knows that wars are won on healthy gut bacteria and good hydration levels.”

But this isn't enough for Arjuna! He’s going to have to kill some of his own family! He’s going to have to kill the guy who sells him hash! He’s really distraught and again he asks,

“Krishna,  I’m at my wits end. I, like, totally trust in your wisdom. Tell me exactly what I have to do. Give it to me straight!”

And Krishna is just about to tell Arjuna to shut up and grow a set when he remembers that he is meant to be an expression of divine consciousness, so he changes tack. Instead, he contemplates the question by staring at his third eye. Finally, the answer comes.

"Let me ask you something," he says.

Arjuna is hanging on Krishna’s every word. “What, guru? Ask me anything!”

Krishna says, “dude. How is your Pincha Mayurasana?”

Arjuna immediately brightens. “Actually bro, it's pretty  hashtag awesome! You should see the pictures I just put on Instagram!”

And Krisha, knowing that a yogi is only as good as his forearm balances, replies, “You have no worries at all, my friend.”

So Arjuna won the battle and is now a regular contributor to Yoga Journal, whilst Krishna patented a yoga/Pilates exercise machine that trialled in studios in downtown NYC and spread across the western world. Problem hashtag solved. As yours now is, too. You're welcome.